“Use your words.” It’s a statement that
families and teachers often use when dealing with upset children. But, as we
all know, this is often easier said than done. We use our words but how can
young children, still in the egocentric stage of development, tell
us how they feel rather than resorting to actions? And these actions can range
from hitting to crying loudly so you can’t reason with the child. How can we get children to use their words?
One of the key things to remember is
that our understanding, as adults, about this statement is different than a
child’s understanding. We need to help children know what the statement means before they become upset. When children
are talking in a normal and calm situation, you can reinforce the idea of using
words by simply saying, “I like the way you are using your words.” For example,
if a child says, “I would like more potatoes,” you can compliment him for using
his words.
If you notice two children in a
classroom sharing crayons, help them see that this is what you mean when you
say, “use your words.” You can reinforce whatever you see by saying, “It makes
me feel so happy when you use your words to ask for the yellow crayon.” This
gives children an important background in what the phrase means.
You can also teach children an
important sentence to fill in with feeling words. In the scenario above, the
child could say, “It makes me feel happy when you share your crayons.” I often
give children the starter phrase, “It makes me feel ____________________________
when you ___________________________.” We practice this phrase, even in calm
times.
When a
situation escalates to crying or yelling at another child, you can ask the
angry child to explain how he feels. So, for example, a child might say, “It makes
me feel mad when you won’t share the glue.” If you have practiced this enough times in a
calm situation, chances are better that the child will know what to say in a
tense moment.
So, develop
background in helping a child know what you mean by the phrase, “use your
words” and practice saying “it makes me feel _________________ when you
_______________.” Preschoolers are then more likely to talk about their
feelings rather than resorting to tears and negative actions. Of course, nothing is perfect and a
developmental stage is a developmental stage but we can try!
This child has a background in “using his words.” He has
something to draw on when he becomes upset. His mother will coach him when he is crying
uncontrollably.
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This child is upset in the grocery store. His mother gave him the phrase, “It makes me feel angry when you __________________” and he tearfully finished it for her by saying “won’t give me a cookie.” She was able to resolve the issue and continue shopping.